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Treatment with Farkitrol®


Farkitrol®
for Missing White Girl Syndrome

Farkitrol®
for Beach Depression / Shark Mania (BDSM)

Farkitrol®
for Dangerous Playgrounditis (DP)

Farkitrol®
for Mediastatial Germaphobia
Farkitrol® for Mediastatial Germaphobia


Oh, for crying out loud... Just wash your hands and quit worrying about it.

Farkitrol® for Mediastatial Germaphobia

Holy crap, things have germs on them.

Look, it's simple - without "germs" you couldn't digest your food. Plant and animal matter could never ever decay. There'd be bodies and dead trees piled up EVERYWHERE. Your eyes couldn't function because the little specs of crap floating in the air that get trapped in the goo on your eyeballs would never get eaten away. The oceans couldn't harbor fish or other life, because fish eat things that eat things that eat germs. So without germs, there'd be no Rockzilla at Red Lobster for you to buy to impress that skank you picked up at the rock show last week. Which means no sack action.

Germs are good. They're not bad. They're GOOD. See?

Clinical studies have shown that subjects treated with Farkitrol® understand this. They know it's not "news" when the media fills airtime with "OMG YOUR DESK IS DIRTIER THAN YOUR TOILET WTF" stories. They know that these places called "supermarkets" carry a substance called "bleach" which will rectify this "problem" for them, giving them a nice, clean computing environment in which to use the interwebs. Good thing, too - not only do commercial kleenex and gym socks carry "germs," but hand lotion does, too.


This Web site is intended to help you understand how using Farkitrol® can help you deal with the nonsense that local and national "news" providers throw at you during five-second sound bites in the middle of Heroes and reruns of CSI in the hopes that you'll tune in and see what all the fuss is about. This information is made of awesome - nonetheless, we have to still warn you that you are the only one who can truly decide that it's for you.

Copyright © 2007 UFIA Industrial Pharma. All rights reserved. This site is intended for use by United States residents only. For more information about media hysteria and other forms of oversensationalistic information consumption, contact your doctor or other healthcare professional. Or, maybe read a book, like this one.Farkitrol® is a registered trademark of UFIA Industrial Pharma. GC 8008135

About Farkitrol®

Farkitrol® was created as a treatment for Media Dischordia combined with Media Sterilitus - a deadly combination of scattered and boring facts which atrophys the brain and causes dependency on sub-standard channels for information nutrition.

When combined with common sense and basic human awareness, Farkitrol® may be habit forming. Ask your doctor or the guys in your company's IT department about the potential side effects of Farkitrol®, such as snarkiness, immediate detection of bullshit, and the inability to see the "news" reported on mainstream news networks as anything other than what it is - commercially viable infotainment broadcast exclusively for the purpose of keeping your attention long enough to advertise products at you.

There have been rare reports of serious kidney or bladder discomfort with Farkitrol® treatment, usually caused by a combination of not being able to stop taking Farkitrol® with explosive boughts of laughter and / or anger. If you think you are pregnant, are planning to be pregnant (yeah right, you'll never get him to fall for that one) or are nursing, please tell your immediate family, as they may pitch in for some presents and free Huggies for your spawn. Farkitrol® may harm your children, causing them to see the world as it really is.

Do combine Farkitrol® with liberal doses of alchohol (as the creators intended you to do). There is a risk of side effects associated with Farkitrol® therapy. The most common side effects are low blood cell counts (red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets); hair loss; tiredness; stomach upset, including nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea; rash; shortness of breath; muscle aches; and numbness or tingling in your toes or fingers, loose stool, ulcers, itchy or numb buttocks, a mild cramping of the left calf muscle, . These are not all of the side effects of Farkitrol®. Actually, we're just fucking with you, these aren't side effects of Farkitrol® at all - they're just fun to type. If you have any side effect that bothers you or that doesn't go away, please don't email us, because we just don't care. Besides, you'll get over it.

For more information about Farkitrol®, call 1-800-UFIA-FAQ. We have no idea who will answer (if anyone). We also don't know what they'll say. This isn't our phone number. But be sure to call it and tell them about Farkitrol® anyway.